The Confusing Mystery of Love

~ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matthew 11:28-30

In our experience of suffering, loss, and pain, where the feelings of confusion, frustration, loneliness, and lostness linger; it is natural to try to gain a sense of normalcy, understanding, and control. It is also natural to want to figure out what is happening, to hide, to escape, and to try to fix ourselves. Often these experiences reveal areas in our lives that need love and healing. We begin to come face to face with our brokenness, insecurity, weaknesses, and fear. In an attempt to alleviate our desperate circumstances many of us turn to seminars, books, conferences, sermons, music, speakers, scripture, and even God in a frantic attempt to find a way through and a way out.

In the last couple of years, I have come to experience my own brokenness, my own sense of lack, and an identity that feels quite fragile. I have searched endlessly for freedom, for breakthrough, and I have worked tirelessly to find the inner healing and wholeness that I believe God has promised. In the confusion, frustration and exasperation; looking for answers and for relief, I have cried out to God, like I am sure many others have as well. Perhaps you find yourself somewhere here as well.

“What are the next steps God?” ……  “Beloved you need my love”
“What conference do I go to God?”  …… “Beloved you need me to love you”
“Where do I find wholeness God?” …… “Beloved it’s about your identity”
“Where do I find my identity God?” …… “Beloved you will find it in my love.

“How do I find you? How do I experience your love?”

“Beloved I want to hang out with you. If you hang out with me you will find all that you need and all that you are looking for. Let me teach you what it uniquely means for you to come hang out with me. Come find and experience the love, acceptance, security, safety, and rest I designed you for. Beloved come hang out with me.”

Often God will guide us to counsellors, mentors, seminars, retreats, and many other impactful experiences to bring the breakthrough and restoration, that we desire and need. However, it is unlikely that God will guide this way at the expense of an intimate relationship with him. He knows our propensity to want a formula, a set of steps, and a set of guidelines rather than fully lean into risky intimacy with him. To be known in relationship risks being rejected and left feeling even more alone. A formula or set of steps allows us to avoid this risk; which is why God’s invitation to intimacy and relationship can feel frustrating and confusing. It means we have to admit that we need love, that we are needy, and that we truly can’t do it on our own. We are opened to experience our weakness, insecurity, and anxiety, which is often unsettling and uncomfortable. Love in relationship asks us to risk and open our vulnerable hearts so that every part of us may actually experience love.

For many of us control of our life, our circumstances, our thoughts, and our feelings has given us a sense of safety, and in many cases has helped us survive. In the desire to fix, control, escape, and just be done with the pain already; God’s invitation to intimacy, love, and relationship with him can be a confusing mystery.

Yet it is my sense that this confusing mystery of love in relationship with Father God is where I will discover my true identity and experience lasting rest, peace, and joy. 

~ “My beloved- come home, come home to me. My son, my daughter bring those places to me, those places within you that need my love. Bring home those hidden places within you, the mistakes, the failures, those thoughts, those feelings, and the shame; bring them home to me. My beloved I know you fight to accept these places are a part of you; I know the places that you either do not like and even wish were not there, and I know how embarrassed, isolated, and lonely you have felt. My son, my daughter- you are my beloved prodigal. Come home and let me embrace you in tenderness and gentleness. I love you. ~